Water in the Rocks

Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much that your mind races and your stomach hurts constantly. Sometimes it is confusing beyond all reason.

God was gracious to me in blessing me with a job at my dream agency. I loved everything about that agency. It was an utter delight to work for them, in such a loving, respectful environment where God was honored. To have meetings with my supervisors and be prayed with. To have the freedom and support to share my faith with my clients.

It was hard, though. So hard. So out of my comfort zone. I was stretched and stretched and stretched some more. Many tears were shed. But I never, ever lost my determination. It only strengthened in resolve. I wanted to do this, and I knew that I ultimately could. I was determined to grow and grow, and I was growing by the day. And yet, a sticky situation arose and I misunderstood a certain piece of information and made the situation worse. For all I know, the particular parent involved in the situation could be suing ABCS right now. There were other things too, though. Other mistakes I made. I sincerely tried my best, did my best to operate with integrity and a clear conscience, but my best was not good enough. I got fired.

God has been giving me so much grace, though. The pain is raw and burning, but I feel like he has put his salve on it and tenderly wrapped it in a bandage. My parents and August have all encouraged me and let me know that they’re proud of me. Yocheved told me today that just a couple days ago, perhaps the very day I got fired, God put it on her heart to pray that He would heal my broken heart, even though she didn’t even know from what. God’s mercy has buoyed me and kept me afloat, helping me to maintain faith in His promises. My arms are weak, but He has been holding my shield of faith in place.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. His Spirit even strengthened me to worship Him and give Him thanks. Incredibly, I even felt a gush of joy break through yesterday! I prayed heartily for my former employers and colleagues, and I prayed sincerely and hopefully for my former clients, mostly the ones whom all the mess happened with. God really carried me through.

Of course the enemy will not settle for this, and yesterday evening, after that amazing joy-burst, one of my parents and I had a terrible quarrel. All the supernatural strength I’d been feeling seemed to dissipate and I felt so helpless and vulnerable and desperate. Later I cried out to God that I just couldn’t do it, and I felt like He opened His arms to me and invited me to rest.

But the journey hasn’t stopped being hard. Today was flat and blah, no joy-bursts. Then I ran into exasperating technical challenges while trying to prepare a resume to submit for a different job. As of now, that resume is still dysfunctional, stuck in a PDF form that I cannot edit. I’m taking a break from the problem right now. Meanwhile, the enemy tried to whisper some vicious lies to me, to make me feel stupid and worthless and God was not going to use me. And I almost, almost opened up my heart to those lies. in fact, I started to, but somehow God reached over and closed the door I was opening. Instead, I started having these thoughts… what if they very people that I want to serve came to me, struggling with the same lies?

What if I was working with a homeless mom, struggling with a drug addiction. What if she told me that she didn’t know what to do, that it was too hard for her. That she felt trapped in this addiction and believed she always would be. What would I tell her?

What if I was working in an organized foster home, helping a child with homework, and they said that they couldn’t do it and they were too stupid. What would I say to them?

And what if I got another job doing the exact thing I was doing at ABCS, supervising visits for foster kids and their biological parents. What if some of those parents expressed that they felt overwhelmed and hopeless? What hope could I offer them?

Perhaps the very pain and difficulty that appears to be thwarting my mission to help people is actually better equipping me to help them? Maybe I have to wrestle through these lies myself and come out the victor, in order to be appointed by God to tear down the strongholds in other people’s lives?

I hereby choose to believe that this is an opportunity is disguise. I choose to believe that God does want to use me. I have begged Him with tears to use me. I have done this not tonight only, but on many other occasions, some of which are documented here in this blog. Maybe I should retitle this blog, “Desperate Pleas to Jesus.”

I choose to believe there is water here waiting for me. I might not be able to see it, but it lies just inside those rocks. I believe it.

Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes it hurts so much that your mind races and your stomach hurts constantly. Sometimes it is confusing beyond all reason.

God was gracious to me in blessing me with a job at my dream agency. I loved everything about that agency. It was an utter delight to work for them, in such a loving, respectful environment where God was honored. To have meetings with my supervisors and be prayed with. To have the freedom and support to share my faith with my clients.

It was hard, though. So hard. So out of my comfort zone. I was stretched and stretched and stretched some more. Many tears were shed. But I never, ever lost my determination. It only strengthened in resolve. I wanted to do this, and I knew that I ultimately could. I was determined to grow and grow, and I was growing by the day. And yet, a sticky situation arose and I misunderstood a certain piece of information and made the situation worse. For all I know, the particular parent involved in the situation could be suing ABCS right now. There were other things too, though. Other mistakes I made. I sincerely tried my best, did my best to operate with integrity and a clear conscience, but my best was not good enough. I got fired.

God has been giving me so much grace, though. The pain is raw and burning, but I feel like he has put his salve on it and tenderly wrapped it in a bandage. My parents and August have all encouraged me and let me know that they’re proud of me. Yocheved told me today that just a couple days ago, perhaps the very day I got fired, God put it on her heart to pray that He would heal my broken heart, even though she didn’t even know from what. God’s mercy has buoyed me and kept me afloat, helping me to maintain faith in His promises. My arms are weak, but He has been holding my shield of faith in place.

I have prayed and prayed and prayed. His Spirit even strengthened me to worship Him and give Him thanks. Incredibly, I even felt a gush of joy break through yesterday! I prayed heartily for my former employers and colleagues, and I prayed sincerely and hopefully for my former clients, mostly the ones whom all the mess happened with. God really carried me through.

Of course the enemy will not settle for this, and yesterday evening, after that amazing joy-burst, one of my parents and I had a terrible quarrel. All the supernatural strength I’d been feeling seemed to dissipate and I felt so helpless and vulnerable and desperate. Later I cried out to God that I just couldn’t do it, and I felt like He opened His arms to me and invited me to rest.

But the journey hasn’t stopped being hard. Today was flat and blah, no joy-bursts. Then I ran into exasperating technical challenges while trying to prepare a resume to submit for a different job. As of now, that resume is still dysfunctional, stuck in a PDF form that I cannot edit. I’m taking a breaking from the problem right now. But the enemy tried to whisper some vicious lies to me, to make me feel stupid and worthless, and even worse, to think that God was not going to use me. And I almost, almost opened up my heart to those lies. in fact, I started to, but somehow God reached over and closed the door I was opening. I started having these thoughts… what if they very people that I want to serve came to me, struggling with the same lies?

What if I was working with a homeless mom, struggling with a drug addiction. What if she told me that she didn’t know what to do, that it was too hard for her. That she felt trapped in this addiction and believed she always would be. What would I tell her?

What if I was working in an organized foster home, helping a child with homework, and they said that they couldn’t do it and they were too stupid. What would I say to them?

And what if I got another job doing the exact thing I was doing at ABCS, supervising visits for foster kids and their biological parents. What if some of those parents expressed that they felt overwhelmed and hopeless? What hope could I offer them?

Perhaps the very pain and difficulty that appears to be thwarting my mission to help people is actually better equipping me to help them? Maybe I have to wrestle through these lies myself and come out the victor, in order to be appointed by God to tear down the strongholds in other people’s lives?

I hereby choose to believe that this is an opportunity is disguise. I choose to believe that God does want to use me. I have begged Him with tears to use me. I have done this not tonight only, but on many other occasions, some of which are documented here in this blog. Maybe I should retitle this blog, “Desperate Pleas to Jesus.”

I choose to believe there is water here waiting for me. I might not be able to see it, but it lies just inside those rocks. I believe it.

Empty yet Full

Recently I’ve caught myself living in a mentality of lack. Life has left me so depleted… depleted of brainpower, of time, of energy. Somedays I’ve felt so fragile and sore that it’s all I can do to go through the motions of life, and I barely get through. Barely survive my work shift. Barely turn in my homework on time. I just want to curl into a ball and meditate on my own hurt.

And this is not loving to the people around me. The people whose eyes I avoid lest I should have to give them a weak smile. The people who I fail to reach out to and make sure they feel included, because I’m wrapped up in myself. The people who have to pick up the slack for me at work. The classmate who feels like I’ve rejected them, and I don’ have the strength to embrace the mess and show them that I really do care, so I walk away instead of walking toward them. All of the onlookers who read in my demeanor various statements about life… I don’t know what they are. That life is burdensome? That I’m not enough, and maybe they’re not enough either? I don’t know what lies the enemy speaks through my demeanor.

Yesterday I was driving home with my sister, and she took the courage to share some things she has been wrestling through lately, about guys. Everything she said just made my own heart hurt worse. Her questions were the same as my questions… am I too picky? Am I undesirable? What is the right thing to do in the particular situation? Will I ever find the one? But it chafed at my heart to listen to her pain, as if she didn’t have the right to it. As if my pain was worse, and no one with a lesser pain should have the right the hurt. I didn’t have a clue what to say to her, so I said absolutely nothing. And she felt rejected by me. My self-focus and silence felt like a door in the face to her at the perfectly wrong time when she had mustered up the courage to knock on that door in the first place.

When I feel depleted, I operate out of a place of emptiness. I feel like I have nothing to offer, so I offer nothing.

But is it true that I have nothing to offer? Jesus took a few loaves and fish that were hardly adequate to feed a crowd, and with them He fed thousands. And Laura’s pastor, Nick Weber, pointed out that there were 12 baskets leftover… 12. Enough for each disciple. God cared for them, too. He commanded them to feed a crowd when they had nothing, but He gave them something to give the crowd, and He met their own needs, too.

If God calls me to give to others–and every day that I am alive and conscious He is doing just that–He will surely supply me with whatever it is He wants me to give, and He will take care of me, too.

I serve a generous God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. There is no lack with Him. When I am empty, He is full. And perhaps He has emptied me precisely because He wants me to be an empty vessel that He can fill to the brim with something New.

So help me to always give, God. And when I don’t see a way, help me to ask for one, and to give thanks, and take whatever small scrap I have and break it and give it to You.

 

 

link to Laura’s pastor’s sermon: http://mercyhillchurch.org/resources/sermons/broken-given-and-set/

Meditations

Reminding myself that God is good. He has not brought me into the wilderness to die. He has brought me here to show me His glory.

What if the Israelites, instead of moaning in doubt that they had no water, had decided to  pray first and ask God for His provision? He had a provision right there for them, prepared in advance. He didn’t take them on that whole journey just to abandon them. His plans for them were GOOD. He wanted to take them to the promised land.

God has brought me into a wilderness of sorts. A place of longing and pain. A place of testing. I’m not doing so well in this test as I might have thought I would. I doubted His goodness and rebelled against Him. It was ugly. Only two or three weeks ago, I chose not to take communion because I knew my heart was not surrendered, nor did I want it to be. But in that moment, I just felt myself rot. I was deliberately rejecting Jesus! It was a dark day indeed. But that very night, God brought me into His presence through prayer. Not sure how He did it, but He did. And as I prayed, I had an image in my head of me like Peter, walking on water, but getting distracted by the storm and the wind and the waves. Jesus told me to look up, which was something I hadn’t been able to do for awhile. I had still been praying in that season, but not as often, and when I prayed I was always talking at God, never listening to God. My ears were plugged with cotton. But that night I heard Him tell me to look up. And when I did, instead of stern disappointment in me, His face was beaming!! He was smiling at me. Pure joy and love.

When I am faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

Life has been rough lately. I’m competing for the Guinness World Book of Records title for most days cried in a row. Since February, there have only been a few days I have not cried, I honestly don’t think more than two in a row. I think that there have only been 7-10 days in the entire past two months that I have not cried. My heart is overflowing with longing and ache. I so deeply desire intimacy, and I’ve been given such a heady taste of it that it feels agonizing to let it go, to come so close only to have hope deferred.

But God brought me here for a reason. If He has taken anything from me, it is only to make my hands empty in order to receive a bigger blessing. He wants to reveal more of Himself to me. To deepen my love for Him. And to satisfy my deepest desires, the desires beneath the desires, above all I could ask or imagine.

He is good! It hasn’t always felt that way lately, so I am meditating on this tonight, striving to remember.

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!” Psalm 84:11-12

“You do not have, because you do not ask.” James 4:2b

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.” Psalm 136:1

“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” Psalm 23:6

It is the thief who comes to steal and kill and destroy, not God! God is not robbing me or holding out on me or playing games with me. He came that I might have LIFE in abundance. He is a generous God, not a stingy one. He has more to offer me. He would give me so much, if only I would dare to receive it! I think that God is always wrestling to bless us. We want a few puny blessings, and that’s disappointing to Him because He can do so much and wants to show off His glory and do more and give us more. He is an extravagant God! He doesn’t do things halfheartedly. He wants to give me more.

So God, what is it that you have brought me into this wilderness to teach me?

Father, you know the desires of my heart. You are well aware, and you care. Please, Papa, will you satisfy those desires in a beautiful way? Will you provide for me?

Will you show me more of who you are? Deepen my relationship with you? Show me your glory, Lord. Make my face radiant, like Moses’.

Please bless me with more of your goodness. Make me more like Jesus. Rid me of bitterness and idolatry, and fill me instead with the joy of your Spirit. You have brought me here not to take from me, but to give me far more than I can ask or think. Please bless me, Lord. Bless me indeed! Pour out your blessings in abundance, and glorify your name.  Amen!

I Trust You

You loved me before I was born, and so,

I Trust You.

You have never left my side, through all the painful journeys, blissful delight, patience-trying blandness, terrifying fears, crushed hopes, and brand new dreams. And so,

I Trust You.

You have been so intentional with my life in every way. Every heartache has been turned around into blessing for me thus far, and I have no reason to doubt it will always be so, even more than I can imagine. And so,

I Trust You.

In Your wisdom and kindness You have blessed me with the dear parents you chose to give me to. And in your hands the heart of the king, or my parents, is like water poured out in whichever direction you desire. And so,

I Trust You.

You were faithful to Abraham, giving him his long promised son through Sarah, and restoring him to Abraham when he offered him up. And so,

I Trust You.

You did not abandon Joseph to the dungeon, although it must have felt this way to him for seven long years. But you drew him out and gave him power and honor. And so,

I Trust You.

It was never Your plan to abandon Your precious heritage in the wilderness, leaving them to die without water. You were their loving Father and You knew their needs. You wanted them to ask You in faith. They were faithless, but You remained faithful, and eventually brought Your children into the land you had promised them. And so,

I Trust You.

You were faithful to Zechariah and Elizabeth, patiently waiting and praying for a son. Their faith waned, and so it was a surprise to them when you gave them the blessing, even so, You gave it. And so,

I Trust You.

You have been with my sisters who know the ache of longing for many years to have someone to share their life with, someone to help them shoulder the burden, someone to cherish and treasure them. You have been with Kara. With Annie. With Karris. With Julia. With Joan. With Sandy. You have been our souls’ Husband. And so,

I Trust You.

You have been faithful to my heroes of old. You were with Betsie and Corrie in the pit, and Your love was deeper. You were with the orphans whose tummies were growling in England, and You heard Mueller’s prayers. You took Hudson away from the lady he loved, then gave him a different lady who was well suited to him, and then You took her away as well so young, but You never, ever took away Your strengthening presence from his life. You preserved Brother Yun’s life when he tried to forfeit it by starving himself in prison. You changed a war when Howells prayed to You. You made a way for Katie to adopt so many dear orphans and make them orphans no more, and You brought her a splendid man to be her partner. You restored a man who should have been dead, but gave him healing and a family and future. Again and again, endlessly, You have been faithful. And so,

I Trust You.

When I was in the agony of fear, You waited for the fullness of time, then brought me out. When I thought I wanted to be with someone who was not right for me, You gently closed the door and gave me hope. When I ached to be sent out as a missionary, you provided a way through Cru. When I groaned for community to pray with, you gave me loyal Hannah. You have kept me safe many times when I was terrified for my health. You protected me from harm on many occasions. Always you have worked everything for good in my life. And so,

I Trust You.

 

For me You came and endured the cross, surrendering through darkest agony, because of the joy set before You. You gave up everything for me. So deep is Your love. And so,

I Trust You.

I feel the need to process some things here.

God is revealing to me the areas where my love fails, and inviting me into a realm of deeper love that comes through Him. Trying to love in my own strength is a failing business, but for some reason it’s so tempting to try. I suppose the reason I drag my feet in seeking God and opening my heart to His love is that subconsciously it seems like it takes so much more effort. Maybe it does and then again maybe it doesn’t, but it’s absolutely necessary.

Yesterday I was trying to help a friend see the need to take every thought captive and filter whether it was coming from the enemy or from God. But I did so in exasperation. I was taking matters into my own hands, trying to fix her, trying to fight against “flesh and blood” rather than falling on my knees and waging war against “the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places”. The latter comes at a price to me. Time. Effort. Engaging my emotions in a fierce battle. The former, wrestling against the flesh and blood, is a cheap shot using my own resources instead of relying on God’s.

I am convinced that there are still times when it is appropriate to admonish, but the thing is, it should be done with the utmost humility in my heart, aware that I too sin in very similar ways. Sin expresses itself in many ways but on the heart level it’s really all the same and my sin is no different than hers. What if God were to respond to my sin the way I respond to hers? With exasperation? What if He was about ready to throw in the towel and just give up on me? But He doesn’t!! I blatantly rebel against Him, and He is quick to forgive and embrace me, like the Father embracing the prodigal son. His love NEVER fails.

I want to go into a little more detail here because I think it will be helpful to me in the future. Especially if I want to work with broken, messy people as a social worker, and as a mom–whether just of my own biological children or whether I’m a foster parent. I’m going to be real here.

My friend has a habit of embracing the enemy’s lies and slapping them all over herself like a mud bath. I see myself as a pretty compassionate person, when people are going through horrible things. When my friends are sick, my heart aches for them. When their hearts are bruised, I want to hold them gently. This same friend lost her favorite cat recently, and my heart hurts for that pain. But it’s a lot harder to have compassion when people’s attitudes play a major factor in their pain. The irony, though, is that I have had SO many terrible attitudes in my life!!!! And still do!!! Very, very, very recently I have fallen into this trap. As in, like a week ago. Yet God still has compassion on me even when I cause my own misery! What wondrous love is this?? He still kneels down and washes dirty, stinky feet. And He did this as an example, expecting me to do the same.

I shared with my friend some memories of a time when I used to wallow in the mud very frequently. First I was analyzing how I didn’t use definitive phrases when I had my panic disorder.. it was always “what if?” and “I’m scared this might happen”, not “I’m going to die”. My friend tends to do that latter. But unrelated to my panic attacks, I’ve had many occasions–as I said, even last week in some conversation with Ivan–when I have used definitive phrases. I texted my friend, “The times I do remember using definitive phrases were as a teenager when I felt ugly. I would look at myself in the mirror and cry and call myself an ugly monster. I think I even called myself a bitch on one occasion which is SO unlike me. I would say “I am ugly,” not “I’m afraid people will think I’m ugly.” Or “I’m never going to get married!” Not “what if I never get married?” And in those moments, I know now that I was letting the enemy speak his thoughts, and I was accepting them as truth. I was claiming hold of SATAN’S promises over me, instead of GOD’S promises. And it was a spiral. If I talk about being “afraid such and such will happen,” I leave myself a door open. Then when the moment and the emotion passes, I can walk through that door and hopefully feel better. But when I claim the enemy’s promises, it is a downward spiral of toxicity that doesn’t leave room to feel better later. Instead it sucks me down and down. And at first I feel like it’s me, like I’m the one claiming this and I have a right to feel this way. But then what happens is that I spiral deeper until I get to the place where I’m literally stuck. I gave the enemy power, and now instead of me being in charge and giving him power, he has the power over me and I’m the slave and can’t get out. This has been a very real experience for me… [I have outrightly rejected] truth, and at first I was in control and it was my own bitterness and anger talking and my fear for the future, and then it was a tornado that swept me away and made me feel scared and dark and stuck.”

I think sharing those experiences with my friend was okay… I even think it might have helped her acknowledge some things, but it’s not like all I did was share my experiences. I shared that AFTER I had already rebuked her, argued with her, etc. And again I was responding out of frustration, not out of patience and gentleness and humility. I was not sharing these things out of obedience to God, after having paved some groundwork spiritually by praying, seeking His counsel, interceding for my friend, examining my heart. Instead I was just trying to use knowledge to fight and not operating in a spiritual way.

Opportunities in Disguise

I’ve been encountering a discouraging scenario lately.

People keep misreading my face. I’ll be at work, feeling fine, and someone will ask me if I’m sad. I’ll be at work feeling joyful, *thinking* that I still have a few sparkles on my face from a smile that just was just there a moment ago–and someone will ask if I’m angry!

This has happened before, not with anger but with sadness. I was sitting on a bench in front of the Y, communing with God sweetly, and my heart was at peace. Someone walked by… then turned around and came back! I looked so sad, they just wanted to make sure I was okay! I laughed it off… but I have never forgotten.

Then there was that time in Starbucks… I asked a friend what he was thinking. He said, do you really want to know? I teased him, I pressed. He confessed–I looked snobby. My heart sank into a puddle at my feet. I escaped to the bathroom. The tears spilled over. Who would ever love me… me with the snobby face?

Two weeks ago at school we had feedback in our group circle… and no one jumped in to give feedback for a long time. The teacher commented on everyone else, but not me. I blinked away tears as I walked to my car.

But I knew somehow that God was holding my heart… that He was bigger than these situations. I asked for prayer from the Bible study ladies at church, and they prayed for me and I felt a weight lifted. Yet somehow the tears came back a few nights later during a prayer meeting with some new friends. I couldn’t hold them inside. They just kept flowing and flowing.

I explained the work situation to this couple, who gave me wise advice. They told me to pray against the blinders the enemy was putting in my coworkers’ eyes… told me stories of how God had miraculously moved in situations at the husband’s own work place, stories that inspired me and pumped me with faith.

So as I drove home that night, I prayed by name for two of my coworkers specifically… the one who misreads me continuously, and the one who I accidentally bumped into and who swore under her breath. I prayed that God would reach them, and that He would do something with these circumstances. I know He is doing something at Amber Lights. He put me there. Wherever He sends His servants, He is doing something. Even if the lessons are only for my benefit. But what if He is doing more than that?

I felt inspired to fight the negative. Encouraged that it was just warfare, and I could attack back.

But then… I went to school a few days later, and someone asked me how I was, looking concerned. I laughed inside and let it go. Until another person in the class came up to me later and asked if I was alright. That knocked the fight right out of me. I plopped back down into a mire of bitter thoughts. I wanted to rip my face off. If I ever sound too philosophical or spiritual on this blog, remember that–I wanted to rip my face off. I sulked and stewed and felt bitter towards God for giving me this face, and morbidly predicted how dour and sour I’d look as I aged and the lines sharpened and the skin sagged. I knew I was rebelling to clutch the bitterness close instead of dropping it in a heap at Jesus’ feet and running into His arms, but in that moment I simply did not care.

What am I to do with all this?

I want to be beautiful, cheerful, joyful… a light to cheer others and point them to Christ. Treasured and loved by all. This is what my little girl heart has always wanted and never stopped wanting.

Instead it feels like the enemy’s verdict of me is true… that I am ugly. That I am not a blessing to others. That I do not represent Christ well. That people reject me. I know better than to believe these lies… if Satan is the one talking, it can’t be trusted. But in those moments they feel so real!

The pain has subsided for now.. thank God that pain ebbs! Thank Him for the beautiful season of cheer and happy and perky and old-fashionedly pleasant. I feel better now, and I don’t want to keep the bitterness. I want to dump it out, and I am. I’m not holding it.

My Teacher has lovingly allowed these circumstances. Even the redundancy of it all… it’s because He is doing something! Yes, it hurts. It breaks me. But those broken cracks… those are the places where my soul is exposed… where it can connect with other people’s souls peeking through the broken cracks. That’s what I’ve learned from Ann Voskamp. If my pain can be a bridge to encourage and bring healing to someone else in their pain, than it is no curse at all–it’s a blessing.

God has allowed this circumstance because He wants to teach me a New thing. He thinks I’m ready for it. He wants to teach me a new way to overcome. He wants me to rest secure in His perspective of me… I am precious to Him. He treasures me. He is making me beautiful and clothing me in fine linen bright and pure. And He wants me to learn to trust Him when it seems like a lost cause to try to reach those around me. Elijah poured water on a altar so that God would receive more glory when He struck down His fire on it. All these misunderstandings with classmates and coworkers… it’s just water on the altar. It doesn’t mean God isn’t at work here. It just means He wants to get more glory! And that’s what I want, right? If the lines of my face are something He uses to glorify His name… how I can resent them? It’s not about me–though I am beloved. It is about HIM, and He uses the weak things to shame the strong. I have to humbly let Him use me not in my glory, but in my brokenness.

I feel so much better tonight than I did on Tuesday. I feel hopeful! God is an intentional God, and He is teaching me a new thing. I want to learn it.

Teach away, Rabbi.

The #1 Quality

Teenage girls love to make lists of what they want in a future husband. I’ve probably made a dozen in my life. I used to want someone who played guitar so we could have our own private worship sessions out under the stars… still a lovely idea, but absolutely not a must!! Guitar-shmuitar.

In more recent years, the prayer has been for a man of strong faith. I call this mystery man “my Joshua” when I pray for him, because I want him to have faith in the Lord’s promises, even when everyone else doubts. So we can be Joshua and Caleb together.

But today I thought about it from a slightly different angle.

A friend was asking me if I liked anyone. I confessed my continued feelings for the same old person as before. This friend started probing about why I was letting the issue of my desire to adopt interfere with me just going ahead and dating this person. I was able to answer them because I had been doing some of my own soul-searching these past few weeks.

I realized that his lack of willingness to adopt was not, in fact, the primary issue.

The real issue, which came clearly to light after a phone call and prayer time with him, was that there was something deeper going on. Somehow I knew this all along, but didn’t know how to put it into words, so the adoption thing became something I hung onto because that was simple and straightforward.

The thing I want most in a person I date–moreover, in a husband–is a man who is surrendered to God and seeking His face. Such a man WOULD be a man of faith, because surrender always involves trust, aka faith. But undergirding the faith would be surrender. Abraham was one of the greatest men of faith of all time, yet there are times recorded in the Bible when he did not behave in faith, but acted in doubt, such as his deception regarding Sarah when they travelled. I certainly can’t expect to marry a man of greater faith than Abraham! However, this man who sometimes doubted had strong enough faith to surrender what was most precious to him, even when it didn’t make an iota of logical sense. This is the kind of man I could entrust my life to. This is the kind of man I could submit to. A man who is not relying on his own strength or cunning, but on the Holy Spirit. I want the Holy Spirit to be the one steering the course of our lives together, not some mere man.

When I explained to my friend that I wanted to be with someone who was surrendered to God, I thought it would be tricky to explain. It frequently comes across as arrogant, like I’m looking for some flawless man. This is not true at all! I don’t expect a flawless man, and at times I am far more willing to accept some flaws than I really should be. I also know that if a virtually flawless man existed, he sure wouldn’t want me, because I’m riddled with flaws. But when I told my friend that I didn’t feel the person I was interested in was trusting God completely, they asked me “do you?” and this is how I responded.

No, I don’t trust God completely. I still struggle. But here is something I notice about myself: I have seasons. Let me explain them.

Sometimes in my life I feel a continual nudging in my heart that something is not right. But I don’t want to let go of something, or give up “my way” in whatever it is. I sense God asking me to lay it down, but I resist doing so, procrastinating and stalling and ignoring it. Those seasons of my life are not healthy. They are not surrendered.

I have other seasons where I lay everything down before God and choose to trust Him. I make that ULTIMATE choice, and then I struggle daily to try actually live it out. I make mistakes. Bad attitudes creep in. I carelessly do things I shouldn’t. But here’s the difference: I quickly realize it and repent to God, and return to that state of surrender. Those are healthy seasons. Seasons where I’m still sinning, because I will never be perfect, but I continually come back to Jesus and put Him first. The other season when I’m not surrendering, I don’t rush to say sorry to God or try to change. I just keep going my own way. Does that make any sense?

I also compared it to your immune system. You always have pathogens invading your body, but when you are healthy your immune system targets and destroys them in good time. When you are not healthy, the pathogens multiply more rapidly than the good guys can destroy them, and you have an infection. It’s not a perfect analogy, but I like how it demonstrates that the pathogens are always there, just like the sin is always in our lives, but there are times when the sin is ultimately reigning and times when Christ is ultimately reigning. Wow, this is really hard to explain… I’m probably theologically bungling this whole idea. But I think I expressed enough for someone to understand where I’m coming from, what it means to date a healthy sinner and what it means to date someone who is not fully surrendered, even if you know that you know that they are regenerate and beloved by God.

Just thought I’d express that all again here so that it will be easier to express to someone else in the future when this topic comes up again, which I’m sure it will. And also as a reminder to myself of what it is I’m truly looking for, as well as who I personally need to be.

Found this quote after I wrote this and thought it was humorously applicable:

The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar, so you may have to re surrender your life fifty times a day. -Rick Warren

Dietrich Bonhoeffer Quote

The people who love, because they are freed through the truth of God, are the most revolutionary people on earth. They are the ones who upset all values; they are the explosives in human society. Such persons are the most dangerous. For they have recognized that people are untruthful in the extreme, and they are ready, at any time, and just for the sake of love, to permit the light of truth to fall on them. This disturbance of peace, which comes to the world through these people, provokes the world’s hatred. Therefore, the knight of truth and love is not the hero whom people worship and honor, who is free of enemies, but the one whom they cast out, whom they want to get rid of, whom they declare an outlaw, whom they kill. The way, which God’s truth in the world has gone, leads to the cross.”

-A Testament to Freedom

I want my death to be more like a wedding than a funeral

On the way home from a day trip to Tombstone the other weekend, my friends and I talked about what it would take for us to be on our deathbed and be satisfied with how our life had gone. A lot of them talked about serving others and making meaningful contributions in people’s lives. Which is awesome, but I had an instinct that it would have to be something even bigger than that.

When I die, I want to be more in love with Jesus than ever. I want to die in His arms. To look back and realize that every crazy twist and turn of my life story was all designed to draw me deeper into His love. I can look at this right now. Unfortunately I can’t say that I love Jesus more than ever–I have been so reluctant and distracted in my quiet times lately, alas! (Incidentally, I got the inspiration to write this post in the middle of a quiet time, so I’m taking an intermission.) I think there have been previous moments of my life where I loved Him with greater abandon. Even so, I feel JOYFUL right now. Because I do love Him, and He loves me! And I can definitely look back right now and see His hand in everything. See how He was steering my course. See how goodness and mercy have followed me all the days of my life. They are! I run away from them sometimes. I have a mild dose of insanity, I think. But they always catch up! He always chases me down with His love.

I want to die totally in love with Jesus and ready like a Bride to walk down the aisle. No, tear down the aisle running to the open arms of my Savior.

To be caught up in the love of Christ, this is what makes life worth living. It’s what makes life worth living, even if I was locked in a dungeon or stranded on an island and didn’t have the opportunity to serve others. And while serving others is wonderful, I have remind myself that it is not ultimately the purpose of my life. His love is. Abiding in that love. And when I abide in it, it makes me want to serve!! His love inspires service and gives meaning to service. Service is necessary and utterly beautiful. But it is not ultimate. Jesus is ultimate.

Father, prepare Your Bride. Prepare my heart for that wedding supper. Clothe me in fine linen, bright and pure. Please do this for all of Your Beloved.